Butterbean Purcell

Oh my dear, sweet, precious Butterbean, the one thing I wanted never to happen has happened, and I had to say goodbye to you. Surviving your loss hurts so much, but I honored the vows I made to you in my heart when we rescued each other: I cared for you all the way through your life to the end, and the last thing you ever felt was my love as I cradled you to my chest in your final moments.

So many years ago, I went to a rescue event for adoptable pets, intending to find a “mid-sized mutt,” certainly not a Chihuahua. While the other dogs acted wild and crazy, tipping over the water dish and so forth, you calmly stepped before me, fixed me with your gaze, and flared your ears, as if the choice were yours and you picked me. I petted you, then held you in my lap. You had the serene air of a princess who claimed her person and place in the world.

What was your life like before me? To my surprise, you came with AKC papers, which showed you’d been passed from breeder to breeder. You’d evidently been used for that purpose, then dumped to a rescue service. I’m sad and angry you weren’t treated better, but grateful I could give you a forever loving home.

I did everything I could to make that home stable for you. We were only apart for two extended separations. One was among the worst three days of my life when you went missing after a roommate let you escape. You ran away from everyone else, but my neighbors reported the sightings. Finally, when I approached the raised house you were hiding under, you scrambled out and ran to me. I have never felt so happy and relieved! The other time, I had to travel for work. I could tell you were miserable from the pet-sitter’s reports, but I went to great lengths to keep you comfortable and safe in your own home until I could return.

Other than that, in all our time together, I did not change jobs or addresses. In the earliest years, a few roommates came and went before I could afford to live alone with you. A few neighbors and dogs that we knew from walks came and went. In your last year, I made some accommodations for your aging. I doubt you much noticed the biggest external events of my life, like COVID or my estrangement from my family over Trump. Through all our years together, with very rare exceptions like snowfalls and hurricanes, we followed almost exactly the same daily routine of feedings, walks, backyard breaks, and bike rides. I’m so glad I could provide that safe, secure, stable, comfortable home life for you.

And what did you bring to our home, and to me? You were the cute, sweet, furry, soft, warm, fuzzy, little heart. Every time I saw you lifted my spirits. I loved your tiny adorable face, huge expressive eyes, and big silky delicate ears. I loved your gorgeous brindle markings, even as they turned gray as you aged. I loved the white tip of your tail, especially when you wagged it. Every time I touched you made me feel better. I loved to hold you and pet you, feeling your warmth and the softness of your coat. You were like a tame fox, a fairy-tale forest creature who brought wonder and enchantment to my life. You were my precious living teddy bear who needed my love and loved me back.

Every time I clocked out from work, whether for a meal break or the end of the day, getting home to you was my top priority and the thing I looked forward to most. I loved every little thing I did to take care of you: feed you, fill your water bowl, strap on your harness, bathe you, pick up your little poopies, put a sweater on if it was cold out, carry you up and down steps, walk you, give you bike rides, give you blankets and beds and then watch you snuggle into them… I loved to watch you sleep, and to hear you snore and dream. I loved how you always wanted to “help” me, whether I was putting away laundry, making the bed, bringing in groceries, putting up decorations, or watching TV. I loved exploring Savannah with you—its squares and parks, its trees and flowers, its historic houses and buildings.

I just loved you so much, everything about you. I’ve never loved anyone or anything so much. You may be the only good thing I have done with my life. And now you are gone and that’s what I’ve lost and what I miss so terribly. I would have done anything to save you, but it couldn’t be done in a way that would be good for you. The best I could do was let you go and end your suffering as soon as that became clear. Please forgive me for any ways I fell short as your Daddy. I would forgive you if I could think of anything, but I know you always did your doggie best. Thank you so much for our time together. I will always love you—my friend, my baby, my precious princess Butterbean.